


How to Succeed at World Domination and Score a Sweet Piece of Arm Candy While You’re at It

by concavepatterns



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, F/M, Rival Villains, in which Darcy is a badass and Loki is just trying to keep up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-17
Updated: 2015-01-28
Packaged: 2018-03-07 22:49:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3186125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/concavepatterns/pseuds/concavepatterns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki’s attempts at conquering Midgard are thwarted by Darcy, who totally called dibs on it first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I had this Rival Villains idea and was encouraged to write it by the super lovely and awesomely talented Leftennant and Mischiefgoddesscomplex. I hope you like it!

 

Darcy Lewis had just come of the age when all good little evildoers pack their bags, say goodbye to their parents, and head out to conquer a planet of their very own.

She’d been waiting for this moment ever since she could remember and now all her dreams of power and wealth were about to come true. She decided she’d be taking over “Earth” as the locals called it, and that lame hunk of spinning rock was going to be seriously awesome by the time she finished with it.

Darcy slung her backpack over her shoulder and adjusted the teleportation wristlet she wore, tightening the strap and punching in the location settings. With one last look back at her home planet, she beamed herself off to Earth.

Her landing wasn’t exactly what you’d call graceful. She wound up materializing in the middle of a bush in a park, her feet automatically tangling in the roots and sending her flying forward until she landed face-first on the ground.

“Ack,” she muttered, extracting herself from the shrub and shaking the loose leaves from her hair, “first thing I do when I own this planet, I’m gonna make it illegal to plant dumb bushes all over the frickin’ place.”

Squinting under the afternoon sun, Darcy took in her surroundings and tried to get an idea of where she’d landed. Judging from the stately white buildings off in the distance, it looked like she was smack dab in the middle of Washington, D.C.

“Damn, I am _good_ ,” she grinned to herself. A quick stop here in America to overthrow their government, then she’d hit up all the other largest countries. Everyone else would fall like dominoes after that and she’d be kicking it back on her throne in three days, tops. This evil villain thing would be a total piece of cake. If there was one thing Darcy was good at it was concocting plans, and this plan, just like her eyeliner, was completely flawless.

* * *

 

The time had finally come.

Months of intense preparation, endless calculations, and carefully thought-out plans had all cumulated in this one moment: Midgard would be his.

Loki crept around the perimeter of the building, picking off guards one by one. The security cameras were his next target, and he smashed the lenses and cut the power cords with little problem before slipping through the main doors.

After his successful infiltration, Loki magicked his armor into place, the familiar heaviness of his golden helmet settling on top of his head. With a smirk, he strode down the hall with a little extra swagger in his step. He could hardly wait to see the expressions of awe and fear on the faces of those imbecilic Midgardians when he announced himself as their new leader.

Reaching the end of the hall, Loki pushed open the heavy double doors of the Oval Office and announced his presence loudly. “I am Loki of Asgard and I claim this realm as my own. Kneel before your...erm...King...?” he trailed off confusedly, taking in the scene before him.

The office was empty save for a single young woman. She sat reclined in a chair behind the desk with her feet propped up casually on the large piece of furniture. Upon seeing Loki, she immediately burst out laughing.

“You’re too late, dude,” she grinned wickedly, leaning back in her chair until it squeaked. “This planet’s mine.”

Well. That was not at all what he had expected.

“You’re merely a girl. How did you...?” For once in his lengthy life, Loki was nearly rendered speechless.

“Nuh-uh,” she shook her head, “a good usurper never reveals her secrets.”

That little wench.

“Get out,” Loki ordered, “I am the rightful ruler of Midgard. That chair belongs to me!”

“Really? Cause I don’t see your name on it, Horns. Besides, I called dibs on this planet a looong time ago. Go find yourself some other world to dominate.” She flicked her wrist, shooing him away.

Loki gritted his teeth. “My name is not _Horns._ I am Loki of Asgard _._ ”

“Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time.” The girl slid her feet off the desk and stood, extending her hand to him. “Darcy Lewis. They call me Miss Mayhem.”

Loki eyed her outstretched hand but made no move to shake it. “Who is ‘they’?”

“People. Lots of people.” Darcy insisted, retracting her hand and making a face at him.

Loki fixed her with a dry, disbelieving look.

“Arrrrgh, okay. No one calls me that yet,” she admitted dejectedly, “but they will once I officially become Queen of Darclandia.”

“Queen of _what_?” Loki blinked at her. “This realm is known as Midgard.”

Darcy gave an indifferent shrug. “I’m renaming it, obviously.”

“That is by far the stupidest name I have ever heard.” Loki could feel his head begin to ache from the level of this girl’s incompetence.

“Oh, so you think you can come up with something better?” Darcy challenged.

“I most certainly can,” Loki retorted. “I shall call this realm Dark Moors of Chaos.”

“Seriously? _Dark Moors_? You need your head examined if you think that’s a better name than Darclandia.” Darcy scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

“It is provocative and mysterious. I quite like it.” Loki grumbled.

“It’s lame as hell, that’s what it is.” Darcy muttered in return.

Ignoring her jab, Loki asked, “What has become of all the Midgardians? Scared them off with your horridly shrill voice, I assume?”

“Uh, no. Some are dead and the ones who begged for their lives are locked in a room down the hall. They’ll make some pretty decent minions, I think.” Darcy replied. She brushed her dark hair off her shoulder and directed a violent glare at Loki. “Want to join the dead ones?”

Loki laughed. “I will admit, you are far more intriguing than I first thought, Miss Lewis.”

“Mayhem,” she corrected.

“But,” Loki ignored her, “the question remains: how were you able to defeat so many men twice your size?”

“Meh, just my usual arsenal,” Darcy shrugged. “Laser guns, deteriorating grenades – they literally turn a person into dust, it’s pretty awesome – and last but not least, a mind-control powder that’s my own special recipe.”

“Hmmm,” Loki said distractedly while his mind went to work. So it appeared that the girl was not a magical being. With that being said, she would likely be keeping her stash of weapons close by for safety purposes.

He did a quick scan of the room and sure enough there was a small black bag lying on the floor beside the desk. Unfortunately, Loki made the mistake of letting his eyes linger on the bag for too long and Darcy soon noticed his interest.

She caught his eye, giving him a silent warning of _don’t you dare_ which he matched with his own look of _just try to stop me_.

They stayed locked in a staring contest for a few long, strained moments before Loki’s body tensed, giving away his intentions, and they both made a desperate dive for the backpack at the same time.

Darcy crashed into him with all the force of a transport truck, causing Loki to stagger backwards. During their scuffle he managed to snag a hold of one of the shoulder straps while Darcy had a firm hold on the other, causing the situation to quickly escalate into a game of tug of war.

“Gimmie!” Darcy gave a hard yank on the bag. “C’mon, drop it. Drop it!”

“I refuse,” Loki growled, letting out a wheezing gasp when Darcy’s elbow made sharp contact with his stomach. She was clinging to the bag like a damned barnacle, stubbornly refusing to budge.

He was quite surprised by how long she managed to hold out but soon Loki’s height and strength overpowered her and he successfully tore the bag from Darcy’s hands, leaving her angry, panting, and empty-handed.

She glared up at him harshly and the look of annoyance on her face caused a slow, pleased smirk to spread across Loki’s lips. “I’m doing you a favour, really.” He spoke in a gentle, condescending voice. “You are unfit to rule this realm. You are too young, too powerless, and you are nothing without your little bag of weap-AH!”

The rest of his statement was cut off when a sharp pain sliced through his leg and when Loki looked down, he saw a ballpoint pen sticking out of his thigh.

“Well how about that. Looks like I’m not totally powerless after all,” Darcy winked, snatched her bag of weapons out of a stunned Loki’s arms, and hit the button on her teleportation bracelet. “Anyway, I’ve gotta run. Bye Horns!”

Hot fury curled in the pit of Loki’s stomach as he watched her dematerialize. With a grunt of pain, he pulled the pen from the side of his leg and let the bloody writing instrument fall to the floor.

He had underestimated her but he would not be making that mistake again. If it was war that Darcy Lewis wanted, then war she would receive.

* * *

 

Darcy was leaning against the entrance to the World Security Council’s Geneva office, polishing the barrel of her favourite gun, when she saw a familiar horn-covered head march up the front steps.

When Loki saw her, the expression on his face was photo-worthy. He came to a screeching halt and stared at Darcy with open-mouthed shock.

“You’re late again, dude.” Darcy inspected the shine job on her gun and gave a satisfied nod before tucking it into the waistband of her pants. “If you’re really serious about this world domination thing, you’re gonna have to try a little harder.”

“How are you doing that?!” Loki exclaimed with a mixture of disbelief and total exasperation. He raked a hand through his hair and began to pace back and forth, muttering to himself. “I don’t understand. You are less powerful than I, certainly not as smart...”

“Um, excuse you. I’m plenty smart.” Darcy cut in, strolling up towards him. She shrugged off her backpack and reached into the front zippered pouch. “In fact, I’m so confident in my ability to whoop your ass, I don’t mind giving you a little extra advantage.”

She pulled out a small gold pocket watch and reached for Loki, sliding her hands across his chest until she had spread open the front of his dark leather jacket. His breath hitched when she touched him and she could feel each one of his shallow exhales on her skin as she slipped the watch into his inside breast pocket before lifting her head and meeting his gaze.

Loki’s eyes were dark and the look he was giving her fell somewhere between wanting to murder her and wanting to devour her.

After gently tugging his jacket back into place, Darcy stood up on her toes and breathed into his ear, “Now maybe you won’t be so late next time.”

She waited a moment for her words to register and as soon as she saw Loki’s face flush with anger, she blew him a kiss and disappeared.

* * *

 

Out of all the places Darcy had been during her quest to take over the Earth, Buckingham Palace was shaping up to be her favourite.

“Swanky,” she commented aloud to the large empty room, causing her voice to echo back at her, “and they already have a throne for me. How considerate.”

She dumped her bag on the ground and hopped up onto the dias before sprawling out in the ornate red and gold chair. After a few moments of basking in royal awesomeness, her stomach growled. Being such a flawlessly amazing queen really worked up an appetite.

“Hey, butler!” Darcy yelled towards the opened door, “a peanut butter sandwich, if you would.” She slouched down in her throne and closed her eyes contently, but her peace was soon disturbed by a loud, angry slew of curses that seemed to be coming from directly over her.

Cracking open one eye, Darcy saw Loki towering over her menacingly.

...well, it would have been menacing if she was actually afraid of the guy. So far he hadn’t exactly impressed her with his villainy. Hell, Darcy’s grandma was a better evil overlord than this guy.

“What in the nine realms are you doing here?!” Loki demanded. “I had a plan!”

“Lemme guess, you thought I’d hit Asia next, so you were going to sneak in here under my nose. Am I right?” Darcy asked, fighting a grin.

“Well...I, yes,” Loki sputtered, looking hilariously confused.

“Oh, Horns,” Darcy shook her head ruefully, “late again. I see that pocket watch hasn’t helped you any.”

“ _Late_? I assure you, Miss Lewis-”

“Mayhem.”

“- I am not late. It’s impossible!”

“It really isn’t,” Darcy commented, stretching her arms over her head before she stood from her throne and hopped down to stand in front of Loki. “While you were getting your ten hours of beauty sleep last night, I was busy crushing it in China. Doing _actual_ super-villain work.”

“Do not call it beauty sleep,” Loki muttered grumpily, “and I slept for only six hours.”

In response, Darcy rolled her eyes. “I’ve got the kitchen making peanut butter sandwiches. You want one before I kick you outta here?”

Loki groaned loudly and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Dear Gods, why is this happening to me?” He asked the ceiling.

“Oh quit being so dramatic,” Darcy said, “this taking over the world thing really isn’t all that difficult.”

Loki sighed. “Do tell,” he said dully, “how did you manage it?”

“Oh, you know. I just kinda walk in like ‘sup, bitches?’, flash my gun, tell them I’m not human, and they’re usually pretty keen to listen to me after that.” Darcy shrugged a shoulder.

“You called the Queen of England a bitch?” Loki asked incredulously.

“Are you kidding? No way.” Darcy shook her head, “Gotta respect the monarchy. In this case, I said ‘sup, _royal_ bitches’.”

“I can’t tell if you’re being serious right now,” Loki pulled off his helmet and sat down on the edge of the dias, looking defeated.

Darcy chewed her lip, watching him sulk for a minute before she came to a decision. “Tell you what,” she settled down beside him, plucking the helmet from his hands and setting it aside, “since you want it so badly and every Queen needs a fine piece of arm candy, I’ll let you be my second in command.”

Loki snorted. “How gracious of you,” he commented dryly, “and just what would the position entail?” He was busying himself with shining one of his metal bracers on the cuff of his sleeve, but Darcy could see that she’d piqued his interest.

“You’d get to boss people around,” she offered, “and discipline them when they get out of line. You’d also get a share of all the money, of course.”

“Why?” Loki asked, brows drawing down in confusion. “Why offer me such kindness when I have done nothing to earn it?”

Darcy opened her mouth to reply but paused when one of the kitchen staff entered the room and presented her with a large silver tray full of sandwiches.

“Did you cut them diagonally, not straight across?” Darcy questioned the man.

“Yes, Your Highness.”

“And you used creamy peanut butter, not crunchy?”

“Yes, Your Highness.”

“Good. You can go,” Darcy instructed, accepting the tray of food.

Once the butler had exited the room, she snatched up half a sandwich and took a bite, chewing thoughtfully while she considered Loki’s question. “For some reason I like you,” she answered.

“ _Like m_ e? You stabbed me with a pen,” Loki reminded her.

“All’s fair in love and war,” Darcy passed him a sandwich which Loki reluctantly accepted, eyeing it warily like it might bite him.

“You’ve got potential, Horns. I’ll make a proper villain out of you yet. So what do you say?” Darcy leaned into his side and playfully bumped her shoulder against his.

Loki stared down at the peanut butter sandwich in his hands, a small grin tugging at his lips.

“I say...yes.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naturally, Darcy and Loki turn everything into a competition...even romance.

Switzerland had become her base of operations and Darcy selected a giant mansion on a steep mountain overlooking the Alps to call home. It was the perfect balance between flaunting her disgusting wealth and creeping everyone out with its antiquated dracula’s castle vibe. Darcy loved it. In fact, she loved everything about this country: the mountains, the cute little towns, and the chocolate...oh God, the chocolate.

“This is better than sex,” she moaned, popping a truffle into her mouth.

Across the room, Loki snorted and looked up from polishing his armour. “Then you have never been with the right partner,” he smirked.

“You offering?” Darcy grinned, sliding another chocolate between her lips provocatively.

Loki scoffed and focused his attention back on the helmet he was cleaning. Darcy had developed the annoying habit of stealing it to wear on her head while performing awful imitations of him, and if that wasn’t infuriating enough, she was constantly leaving dirty fingerprints all over the shiny gold. No matter how many times he reminded her that it wasn’t a toy, she didn’t seem to listen.

Darcy chuckled at his lack of response and set her chocolates aside, licking off her fingertips.

They had been dancing around each other for weeks now, with neither wanting to be the one to make the first move. It had almost become a competition of sorts to see who could hold out the longest, and as much fun as it was to play the game, Darcy decided that it was time for Loki to lose.

She had conquered an entire planet, how hard could it possibly be to seduce a God?

Her plan was simple: she’d set the mood, wear something irresistible, and then swoop in and seal the deal.

Phase one of the plan meant that she’d need to gather supplies. That was easy. There was a pantry on the first floor full of white tapered candles, so while Loki was out that afternoon checking on their residents of Earth (they were still arguing over a name - Darcy would sooner die than call her new planet ‘Dark Moors of Chaos’) she grabbed a handful of candles and tucked them away in her room.

Mood lighting: check.

Next was the outfit. She’d need something incredible, a real show-stopper to break Loki’s brain. All it took was a simple trip into Zurich using her teleportation bracelet and within half an hour she was emerging from _Agent Provocateur_ with one kick-ass lace corset and matching panties.

Bangin’ outfit: check.

This seduction thing really was too easy.

The final phase of the plan would take place that night and Darcy would need to sneak herself into Loki’s bedroom for that to happen. She figured that his room would be the best place to catch him off guard and carry out the ‘seal the deal’ part of her plan. Which basically meant getting him horizontal. And pants-less.

After dinner that evening, while Loki was reading in the great room, Darcy crept off to prepare for the final stages of Operation Get the Goods.

She curled her hair, painted on a little make-up, and wrangled herself into her corset before sneaking down the hall to Loki’s bedroom with the remainder of her supplies.

In his room, she lit the fireplace and strategically placed candles throughout the space before lighting the wicks. As a final touch, she pulled Loki’s luxurious fur throw blanket off the back of his wingback chair and spread it out across the top of his bed. Boom. Instant sexy love nest.

Waiting for Loki to come upstairs to his room was the most painful part of her plan. Darcy killed time pacing the room, snooping through his drawers (he had no shocking hidden secrets, so that was no fun), and finally she plopped down in the chair before the fireplace, curling up and watching the flames dance in the grate.

She must have fallen asleep because the next thing she knew, she was jerking awake when the bedroom door shut loudly. Loki must have finally called it a night. About time.

Darcy got to her feet and adjusted her corset before sashaying over to the bed. “Hey,” she drawled, leaning suggestively on the edge of the mattress.

Loki had already stripped off his shirt and was currently laying face-down in a pile of pillows. “Mmph,” he responded.

This was it: the final phase. She’d butter him up with a compliment, then pounce like a tiger. An unstoppable sex tiger with great boobs.

“You’ve been working so hard lately, let me show you how appreciative I am,” she whispered to him alluringly.

Loki didn’t reply.

Frowning, Darcy crawled onto the mattress next to him and bent down until her face was inches from his. Narrowing her eyes, she poked him in the shoulder.

His only response came in the form of a soft snore.

That son of a bitch. He’d fallen asleep on her.

“Hey, wake up!” Darcy yanked the pillow out from under his head and smacked him with it.

Loki groaned and rolled onto his side, barely cracking his eyes open. “Why are you in my room,” he mumbled sleepily, “and why are you on my bed for that matter?”

“I’m. Trying. To. Seduce. You. Asshole!” Darcy punctuated each of her words with another whack of the pillow and Loki quickly rolled away from her, shielding his face with his arms.

“You’re finally giving up?” He asked, looking smug and amused despite the fact that Darcy was still pummeling him.

“Not a chance. I’m the seducer which makes you the seducee. That means _you’re_ the one giving up.” Her arms were getting tired so after one last whack to Loki’s stomach, she dropped the pillow and sat back against the headboard with an indignant huff.

“So far you have called me an asshole and assaulted me with my own pillow. I would say your attempts at seduction are off to a marvellous start,” Loki spoke sarcastically, pushing himself up into a sitting position next to her.

“Oh shut it,” Darcy grumbled, “you should be used to it by now. You knew coming into this partnership that I would be the one wearing the pants.”

Loki’s eyes flicked down to her bare legs, “and where are your pants now, Miss Lewis?”

“Mayhem,” she corrected though her heart wasn’t really in it. They had somehow inched their way closer together and now Loki’s thigh was pressed against hers. He felt warm and solid and suddenly Darcy was finding it hard to breathe. “Is it working yet?”

“Is what working?” Loki leaned closer. When his gaze dipped down to her lacy corset, Darcy could audibly hear his breathing grow deeper. So the outfit was definitely scoring her some points. Excellent.

“My grand scheme of seduction,” she looked up at him through her lashes, tilting her head until their mouths were only inches apart.

Loki wet his lips. “Can we call a truce,” he asked weakly.

“Nope,” Darcy breathed, “the game’s over. We’re in the sudden death round.” She placed her hand on his chest, slowly trailing her fingers up to his the side of his neck. “Come on,” she urged with a wicked grin, “make out with me, loser.”

She could see his resolve crumble and with a desperate surge forward Loki closed the distance between them. Their lips met forcefully as their bodies melded together, and as they fell back against the mattress, Darcy had one last coherent thought before she switched off her brain: success wasn’t just sweet; it was fucking _glorious_.

 


End file.
